girl at large

Goodbye Old Friends

Caffeine, out. Cigarettes, out. Salt, out.

They may get those vices, but I'll be damned if I'll give up my beer. They'll have to pry the bottle out of my cold, dead hand. I am from Wisconsin afterall.

Sunny Sunday Morning

But Everybody's Doing It

I have insurance, and if I can be converted into LOVING my chiropractor, than how bad could therapy be?

We've been having Work Therapy at work. And it's, well, working. I LOVE our work therapist. I figure if it's helping that much at work, maybe I should consider some personal therapy. This is a more difficult decision to come to than you might think. For me, going to Therapy is not, as it seems to be for many, like popping into the corner Starbucks. My Latte does not come with a pump of Prozac.

You see, at one dark time in my life (ok, two dark times), I really NEEDED therapy. Serious therapy, and meds. Serious meds. It was a frightening, lonely experience. Being hospitalized for Crazy at a young age, unless you get a book contract, is not a point of pride. I've worked diligently to get the Crazy behind me, and continue working hard to keep it's tentacles at a safe distance.

So, admitting that I might need HELP to accomplish a few personal things is tough. In my mind, it's like admitting I need help to poop. It's just not done. Therapy is for serious Crazy, not Just-Kinda-Struggling-A-Little.

But, I'm coming around. Maybe a weekly chat with someone will help me focus on the things I want to change and/or improve. Maybe asking for HELP will not result in a long-term stay at Hotel Crazy.
Here are my complaints:

-The lack of sunshine and warm weather in Portland makes me suidical. (Ok, not literally, and I know I should rephrase this when speaking to a doctor.)

-I feel I'm entering my Angry Years. Everything, and everyone, pisses me off. And I get no satisfaction from my anger--I'm furious, everyone else sees "Silly Kate". Did you not just hear me say Fuck Off? Right, I never actually say that, I just very politely stew. Ok--I want to LEARN to say Fuck Off.

-My libido has died. I can't determine if my libido has died because I'm not getting any or if I'm not getting any because my libido has died. Memorial Services pending.

-I have problems with money. I don't have money problems, I have a problem with money.

-I want to make big changes in my life, and I wonder if I can or should. The issues above are all in the way of the changes I want to make--namely, I want a family. No libido, problems with money--kinda key issues if you want to make babies.

So, there it is. I have Therapy Orientation this afternoon, wish me luck! Maybe I'll learn to LOVE my therapist too.

Crazy for Crumble

I've been making a real effort to cook myself a proper dinner every evening, especially after Mom was here this winter and we enjoyed so many good meals together.

It's difficult, though, to cook for one. And I hate leftovers. After a few months of making Dinner Solo, I've worked out a few ingenious solutions such as:

Big Bag of Crumble!

The Pacific Northwest grows an abundant array of fruit, especially berries, and they are all coming into season. I love dessert, and who doesn't love the classic Apple Crisp, or Rhubarb Crumble? The Singles Solution, for a fresh fruit dessert every night--

I've made up a big batch of Crumble/Crisp topping (flour, brown and white sugars, cinnamon, chopped walnuts, oats) and keep it in a big plastic ziplock in the fridge. Each night, I top an individual-sized ramekin of fresh fruit with the topping, pop it in the oven while I eat dinner, and Voila!

So far, I've done the traditional Apple, Rhubarb Strawberry, Rhubarb Blueberry--and my new favorite tonight--Plums and Raspberries, delicious!

Making Peace with Plants

Before, the balcony was a wasteland of plant corpses and empty thrift store containers...yuck.

But, now! I finally turned to an expert for help, and JJ managed to work magic. Big, matching architectural planters--Golden Bamboo in tall floor planters at the end wall for some screening and lovely sound, and troughs of Kate-resistant succulents on the ledge. She and her assistant took care of everything--the design plan, the ordering, brought it all over and did all the planting and set up. Love it! She swears I can't kill these unless I really try. Keep your fingers crossed!

I'll Just Buy a Dremel and Do It Myself

I had a tooth dream last night. You know the type--one or more of your teeth fall out. They are very real feeling, and leave me feeling distressed when I wake up. The horrors of my dental experience this year elavate the distress. Let me share the saga, in a timeline:

November 2007: I call Kaiser Permanante, my health insurance plan/provider to make an appointment for an annual Cleaning. The first opening is in December. And that's only for an initial 'consultation'--no actual cleaning can take place without that first. Ok.

December 2007: The day before, I get a voicemail cancelling my appointment because the dentist won't be in. I call to reschedule, the next opening is in February. Ok.

February 2008: My consultation appointment reveals one large cavity and one small one. I knew about the large one. Hygenist: "Where is the cavity you said you can feel?" "Um, it's the gaping hole right there" "Oh, yes indeed!". Indeed. Absolutely nothing happens at this appointment--no cavity filling, no Cleaning. They schedule me for two appointments--in March. One of the appointments is to extract the remaining root of a wisdom tooth--that I can't feel, that doesn't bother me and that TWO previous dentists have just left alone.

March 2008: The wisdom tooth root is extracted--and in the process, the tooth next to it is CRACKED. Things you never want to hear in a dentist's chair: "Oops" Another hour and half in the chair to repair it and one of the cavities. Two months of chiropractic visits to get my tensed-up back corrected. Still, NO CLEANING.

April 2008: The second appointment, for the second cavity. This one actually goes quickly and painlessly--it's a tiny little cavity, didn't even need any novacaine. Hmm, couldn't they have done this during the last visit? Seriously, it took 6 minutes. Nope, no cleaning yet...wait for it...

April 2008: I get a voicemail cancelling my cleaning appointment because the hygenist is out sick. I call to reschedule--the next opening is at the end of May, at 7am.

May 2008: Woo-hoo! Cleaning day! I get in the chair, at last, before the sun even rises. The verdict? I'll need FOUR appointments to do all the cleaning required because it's been so long since I've been in. My favorite part--"Why haven't you been in sooner?" Really? You really want me to answer that?!?! The hygenist completes part one of the cleaning--a painful scraping with no visible results. I'm scheduled for the next available opening for round 2----in AUGUST.

My brain starts a high-pitched squealing here. EEEEEEEEEEEE.

Working Through The Stash

A ballet-style dress for Stella, in hot pink Merino wool---I hope it fits, toddler sizes and gauge changes can be a challenge.

This summer tunic and cap are in organic, hand-dyed cotton--very Oregon. Mmm, granola!

A Broad Abroad

Mom's in Greece!

Does The Truth Always Have to Hurt?

As part of Work Therapy, we have to take a Talents/Strengths evaluation (StrengthsFinder)--a series of questions meant to determine your top five Strengths/Talents inherant to how you operate in the world--at work and otherwise.

Mine are, in order:

-Input
-Achiever (notice the lack of Over- or Under-)
-Learner
-Restorative
-Communication

The descriptions of each Talent seem to fit me, and the Achiever title isn't as obnoxious as one might think. A few lines of the in-depth descriptions really hit home:

"If you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away." (Input)
"You start each day at Zero. By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible to feel good about yourself" (Achiever)
"This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.” (Learner)
"But what is certain is that you enjoy bringing things back to life. It is a wonderful feeling to identify the undermining factor(s), eradicate them, and restore something to its true glory. Intuitively, you know that without your intervention, this thing—this machine, this technique, this person, this company—might have ceased to function. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it." (Restorative)
"This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act." (Communication)

The first thing, the FIRST thing I said to my boss, during the INTERVIEW was "I don't want to be your manager. I will be your best salesperson, but don't reward me by promoting me to management where I will be ineffective and miserable".

Clearly, I didn't stick to my guns and here I am, three years later--ineffective and miserable. And it's so familiar--it's happened in every single job I've ever held. I hope, I pray, that Work Therapy gives me the strength to stand my ground and negotiate a position that lets me go back to what I do best--one without that dreadful title of Manager. (cringe)

Is there such a thing as 'Designer/Chief Problem Solver'?